It may be revelation… or it may be a brain sneeze.

I’ve figured something out.  This may not be news to anyone but me, but hey, it felt a little like revelation to me.

See, I remember in my teens and twenties.  I was looking for love, but love looked a lot like the stuff of romance novels and movies.  It wasn’t real, but golly it was fun.  As my twenties waned, I realized “Oh yeah, I’d better do that whole marriage and house and babies thing or whatever…” and so I did.

Here’s the thing: I wasn’t looking so much for love then as I was looking for the house and the kids and the marriage.  I think most people are like that.  We marry because we feel it’s time.  If love is there too, great.  But for me, it was all about the marriage and the family.  I loved marriage, and I absolutely loved my kids.

Now most people follow the same pattern.  Marriage, house, kids… then they are in their forties and suddenly life changes.  Now I don’t know why it changes in the late thirties or early forties.  Is it genetic?  Is it environmental?  Don’t ask me.  But everyone I know who goes through what I did… it happens in the fourth decade of life.

In my case, it led to divorce.  The man I started that whole journey with was not the man I will end my journey alongside.  And this is where I’ve done a lot of thinking and had my little revelation.  You see, I think most people have the moment in life where they are changed.  So if someone is married, and both of them look up and say, “Wow, I am changed, and so are you!  But I think the new people we are get along just fine!” then they just go along on their journey as new people, still married, still in love or at least in a lovely, comfortable like.

But if, like me, that epiphany occurs and the two people are incompatible… well what then?

Well, perhaps what happens is that the new person they are is ready and able to fall for someone in a new way.  Now is the time for someone whose personality matches my improved self.  Now is all for me.  Not for finding a house, not for building a family, not for riding those new and untested rapids.  I can sail with him.  I can surf and waterski and enjoy myself, hand in his, heading forward and forward and forward…

Am I saying things that everyone already knows?  Perhaps.  But I am glad I have learned it.  I feel like there are things that can be shared orally, read about in books, seen in movies.  Themes of life we can hear and write ten page papers on in school, but until we live them, we just don’t understand.  This is one of those things I guess.

Unlike the advice my mom gave me about marriage when I was young: “Always have separate bathrooms.”  I didn’t need to experience that to know the truth there.

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2 Responses to “It may be revelation… or it may be a brain sneeze.”

  1. Diana Beebe Says:

    Lovely post, Liza! Not a brain sneeze at all. 🙂 My husband and I have been married for 20 years now–we got married young, and we’ve had those epiphanies along the way. I’m grateful that we still find each other compatible!

  2. Karen W Says:

    We all change but it’s really hard when the person you thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life with changes into someone you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with and then you have to take that path you never wanted to take. But sometimes it’s for the best, nay even necessary, so the new you can bloom into a most beautiful flower.

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